Crying My Eyes Out

Yup, the blog got the time right. It's after midnight and I'm still awake. I've been crying my eyes out for the last hour. I'm so sad. I wish I were strong enough to not let my knee woes bother me so much, but I'm not. What set off the tears tonight was that my knee feels like it's raw and burning inside. It literally feels warm to the touch more than my other knee. In my opinion, my workout today shouldn't have triggered this much pain. I went to the gym near work at lunchtime and warmed up for 10 minutes on the recumbent bike. Then, I walked over to the weight machines and lifted only weights for my arms and shoulders. I did some sit-ups and stretches after that and I was done. I don't understand. It doesn't make sense that back in September and early October I was on my bike trainer at least every other day building up time slowly to 24 minutes before my knee bothered me. Now, I swam two days ago, then cycled 10 minutes today and my knee hurts. It seems like it's getting worse, not better. I struggle so much to have some semblance of a healthy life these days. I rest for a bit and get myself all positive and hopeful, then I cautiously begin exercising and am defeated all over again. Why do I deserve this?

One thing I will admit is that lately I haven't been good about my PT exercises. I know, I know... I got bored with them. They were the same thing every time. Ugh. C'mon though... those exercises could not have been what was holding me together. I'm not that frail! This is ridiculous. Shouldn't my knee be healing gradually simply due to time passing? It will be 5 months since my surgery next week. I have an appointment at PSM on Thursday. I have a feeling Susan will have no idea what to tell me anymore. She already said I'm her first patient who had some of their fat pad removed. She's been a PT for at least 10 years, so even though the procedure is not very common, I'm surprised she has no experience with it.

I'm going to be 37 years old on Saturday, but tonight I feel like a child who is sick and just wants her Mommy to say, "It's all going to be OK, you'll feel better soon."