More Steps Back

My knee has not improved. I'm so sad, I can't even say. It seems as if the 19 months of waiting, rest, the surgery... has all been undone. My knee feels achy and swollen with some burning pain, just like before my surgery. I'm so disappointed this is happening and don't know what to do about it. I don't believe there is anything else Dr. Anderson can do for me. She scoped my knee, so we know what is inside. Everything Dr. A saw that could have been causing my problem, she removed. I can't imagine where this discomfort and swelling is coming from and what exactly I did to cause it. I've been following my physical therapists instructions and not doing any more than she has recommended. Once I have rested a bit, maybe I should go back to swimming only or maybe just less time on the trainer. It's pathetic how little I do anymore and I am incredibly out of shape. I wanted so badly for this to change.

There are things in my life that I am grateful for, of course. I continue to love my job at Old Navy. I suppose there is some grace in the fact that it keeps me busy and my mind somewhat off of the fact I cannot train for races or even enjoy a weekend bike ride. I found a wonderful church to attend in the city and am starting to make friends there. I look forward to seeing them on Sundays and for various activities. At the same time, I miss my training friends immensely. I miss PacWest and everyone is moving on without me. Hey, they have to, and I have to let them go. I still don't think they understand why I had to pull away from them. They all thought I would be better in a few months and be back running, just like everyone else with injuries. I wasn't, not by a long shot. Maybe they understand now, I don't know. I was a Captain on the PacWest run team and was very active on the triathlon team. I really enjoyed attending as many workouts as possible each week. My biggest annoyance used to be having to take my turn handling the Saturday water stop and not being able to run that morning. Wow, that sounds like a dream right now. Missing one workout every month or two? I only wish.

As I've said before, I know there are worse things in life. I just watched a TV show about a woman living with incurable cancer. I can hardly imagine how hard that would be. Still, we are all allowed our own pity parties from time to time. A good cry sometimes does a world of good. Other than that, all I can do right now is rest, ice, and say a little prayer for healing.